I thought that if I wrote it down, it would make it more real. For a little over a year, I was in a relationship with someone I called my best friend. Getting together came during a time where chaos was running rapid in my life. We decided to make it official during the months that I was trying to sustain my livelihood. A couple months down the road of getting in a relationship, I lost my home and lost my car. After my car, that almost broke me. I had faced homelessness and loss before but never two things at once. In the midst of that, I struggled to find a job after finishing my graduate studies. During this time, I struggled to keep my emotions together and I would say that I was just an ugly person. I could not seem to manage all of what was happening at this time. I loved her but I was trying to love me too. I knew that this was unbearable but I wanted to keep her.
The way we came into each other's lives was not so innocent. She was leaving a relationship that I in some part witnessed. She loved this woman very much but in someway, I thought that we would be able to move past that. I finally found a job that I started to love and a few months later, I found another. I was working both jobs and trying to pay the existing back bills that I had accumulated. My attention was never really on my relationship because my mind was never at rest. I had settled into her life. Within those months of losing a home and car, I moved in with her. I started working on myself and later started to contribute financially. It was not enough for what she needed to manage. I became overwhelmed in trying to fix my life and also maintaining hers. In my mind, she had the job, the home and the car to manage her life. I was just trying to manage mine.
Life changes come at a price. It comes at a price of misunderstanding and lack of communication and lastly resentment. We started to combat how each other was feeling versus listening to what each other needed. In my mind, I didn't want to lose her but in her mind, I already had. She needed things that I could not give. I begged for her to understand my pain but the patience ran thin. We had faced other trying moments in this union and now I find myself here. I'm single and operating in my silence.
I say all of this to say that operating by your authentic space never leads you down the road of hurt or resentment. In the beginning, I did not want to face things alone but in the end life happens as it was always meant to happen. Here I am alone. Alone is not a bad thing. Alone sometimes means learning to love you again. I'm learning to love me. A few months ago, I started therapy and it has been the best thing yet. Yesterday, in my session, I cried, more than I ever have before but in the end, its all for the best. Here, I given recognition of what was, " A LOVE in the Midst of CHAOS."
My final step, in year approaching 30, I would like to find true love of self worthiness. I have never much loved me and loved where I come from. I have lived in my past hurt and failures but never truly living. I challenge myself to live authentically this time. Do not chase love until love chases you and love doesn't always have to come from others. Love starts in you. I heard something powerful " The morning breeze has secrets to tell you." This means that at the hours in which we wake around 3 to 4 am, get up and start to meditate or even just plant your feet on the floor to start each and every day with intention.